木吉他的声响

星期五

今天的计划是，早上和伊、超去吃早餐，然后等老头回来金宝，接着在拜托老头送我去火车站，下吉隆坡。和他们吃完早餐后，我就去理了个发，再去打机。老头来了，由于时间还早，车票1328，还有一小时多，就去旧市区喝杯茶。

到了吉隆坡KL Sentral四点左右，可是Jack却六点半才放工。没办法之下，搭了巴士去Mid-Valley。原本打算看一出戏，可是算一算没时间，就只在Mid-Valley走走。时间到了就回去KL Sentral等Jack载。

其实当天晚上Jack有演出，在KLPac，一个叫”Switch On”的演出。该演出是由一组人马人一起组成的。除了Jack的演出，其他内容包括影片播放。而那些影片则是“比较”艺术性的，虽然看不懂，但在某些程度上对我来说是还蛮有意思的。除了艺术影片，他们还播放了一段Stop Motion的短片。

最让我兴趣的是Jack的演出（肯定的），它是属于较实验性的演出。主要是由一个人（Jack称之为”Source”），发出些声音（任何声音，包括用麦克风敲打桌子等），然后再经过电脑的特效，形成各种不同的声音（比如机器人的声音，直升机的声音等等）。演出完后就回家了。

星期六

今天午餐后，我就跟着Jack去他们的练习。他们就是Jack和他的”source”，还有一位他们的朋友。对了！Jack的”Source”就是阿L。阿L和他们另一个朋友是新纪元的学生，所以午餐后我就坐着他们的车子来到新纪元学院。他们的练习在一个名为“黑箱剧场”的房间里。练习的内容就算了吧！总之，这场练习里我学到的包括，digital mixer的用法，以及Jack他们演出的基本运作方式。

练习后又跟着他们去Sunway College看一个演出，舞台剧。舞台剧持续一个小时，接着就回家了。

星期日

今天是最后一天，中午去到Pudu买车票，1830的。由于当时只是两点钟，所以我们就到Time Square去用午餐，看戏（Angels and Demons）。看完了赶到车站，等了将近半小时就上巴士了。

今天起身后，发现到手机出问题了！昨天才充的电，今早它就自己关机没电了。所以早上充了点电，然后关机，打算紧要关头才拿出来用。怎么知道，看完戏后BB打来Jack的电话，说我家人找我找了一整个早上。然后我开我的手机打给他们，才得知他们正去着怡保，半夜才会回到太平。结果我回到太平，等了半小时，他们才到达太平车站来载我…

这趟三天两夜，虽然学到些什么，但却觉得不满足… 最惨的是，我把iPod的零件留在Jack那里！！！！

Friday

The plan of today, take breakfast with YY and KC, then wait for LaoTou to come back to Kampar, and ask LaoTou to fetch me to the KTM station. After the breakfast, since LaoTou haven’t arrice Kampar, I went for a hair cut, Kakabo for half an hour. Finally LaoTou arrived Kampar. We take a tea at Kampar old town since it is still early.

Arriving at KL Sentral around 1600, Jack will only finish his work on 1830. I took a bus and went to Mid-Valley. I was planning to watch a movie but have no time since a movie will take approximate two and a half hour. So I just walking around and waste my time until six o’clock, and went back to KL Sentral to wait for Jack.

Jack actually have a performance that night, at KLPac, a show called  “Switch On”, which is formed by a group of people. The show included some short films and Jack’s performance.

Jack’s performance is more to an experimental music. He needs a person (who he/she was called “Source”), making some sounds to the microphone (sounds including speaking and tapping the mic), and through the computer effect and produce some special sounds, such as robot talking and helechopter flying. We went back after the performance.

Saturday

We had our lunch, and I follow Jack to their practice. “Their” means Jack, his “source” and another friend of them. Oh right, Jack’s “Source” Alison. Alison and her friend are the student of New Era College. I followed their car to the college and we came to a room called “Black Box” for their practice. Through their practice, I learn the usage of a digital mixer, and the priciples of Jack’s performance.

After practice, we went to Sunway College for a show before we all went back home.

Sunday

It is the last day of my trip. I bought my ticket in the afternoon at Pudu bus station, ticket at 1830. It was only 1400 after i bough my ticker, so we went to Time Square for our lunch and for a movie (Angels and Demons). I rush to the bus station after the movie, and I wait for half and hour before I got up to the bus.

I found out that my hand phone got problem with its battery this morning. I remember that I fully charged the battery yesterday, and today morning it finished its battery and shut down itself. So that I charged the phone again for some time and shut it off, and planning to use in an emergency. After we watched the movie, BB called Jack’s phone, said that my family was looking for me whole morning. Then I switch on my phone and call them. They said they are going to Ipoh and will go back to Taiping at mid night. I arrived at Taiping, wait for half and hour before they pick me up at the bus station.

Although I did learn something in this trip, but I was not satisfied… And most serious problem of this trip is, I left my iPod cable at Jack’s place!!!!!

今天懒惰写英文的，写华文的算了。
相隔了154天（不知道算得对不对），我又回到部落格里了。原因呢？懒惰。并不是生活中没有什么事情发生，只是纯粹的懒惰。

今天要分成两个部分来写。一个是生活简报，另一个是吉他哲理。简报当然是关于这154天里发生的事情，然而哲理则是不久前和朋友谈到的话题，一直盘旋在我脑里。

—–生活简报—–

自从09年开学后就没写部落格了，觉得自己真的很懒。并不是没时间，并不是生活上很无趣。有时候来到friendster，已经进到Blogs的部分里了，但最终却是离开。然而现在都已经大考了，我错失了一整个学期的时间到底用在何处？

新学期里，认识了新的同班同学。他们是从KTAR转来的，由于是Deploma Holder，所以他们直接进入Year2。认识他们很不错，有的很幽默，有的很有才华，有的很搞笑，还有的… …（不宜说出口）。

其次，在这个学期里很无奈，assignment都挤在最后几个星期里！刚开始的几个星期，看到朋友一个个忙功课，而我们（CM Group的）则很轻松，但这轻松是有高代价的。对于挤在最后几个星期的功课让我们几乎吐血，一份完整的功课所打印出来的纸张居然超过百张（一人分而已噢，不包括打印出来发现错误丢弃的部分）。

功课在学期的最后一天赶完交上去，休息一个星期，大考来了。现在考了三科，大致上都是中等成绩（自己觉得）。

第一科Building Measurement，败在时间不足。回答了Theory的部分，25分，计算的部分死光光。计算题第一题，50分，做不完，第二第三题共25分，来不及做！

第二科Legal System，败在忘了解释字眼的意思和缺乏重点。没有解释”Fraud”的意思，对于自己的论点有点矛盾，没有把自己所要表达的看法写清楚。还有，15分的一题只给了两个重点，怎么去拿分？！

第三科Building Services，吹水科，败在计算题上。花了太多不必要的浪费，把时间都用在简单的问答题上！就连5分的题目都被我写了半张纸，告倒没有时间计算电梯和喷水器的题目。

—–吉他哲理—–

不久前和朋友闲聊到上大学之前，废在家里的那段时光。无所事事的日子真的很可怕，早上起床后就是打机，打机，打机。打机过日子的生活实在不好过，实在不明白那些人怎么能够忍受。

这次要谈的是目标。从小，我们就逐渐被培养设定目标的习惯。不单是生活上，就连电视上都有诉说老师问学生的场面：“你们将来要成为哪个国家的栋梁啊？”

其是生活上的目标可说成是生活的方向，没有目标的人就好比无头苍蝇，只懂得前进，毁了自己的前程都还不以为然。前几天还听说了有个朋友不知何种原因（多半是睡不醒）而缺席了大考的日子，传闻说他还去找诊疗所索取医药证书争取重考的机会，然后就没有下文了。

回到重点，我生活上的目标多半是创作和制作歌曲。这几天由于忙着大考而牺牲了创作和制作的时间，确确实实地感到生活缺乏了音乐很空虚。

前几天还出了一句座右铭，“生活，是自找的；色彩，是自己添加的。”生活上的遥控器必须时时刻刻掌握在手里，否则自己将会被生活控制着。每个人都有不同的方式来夺回遥控器的方式，虽然我还没完全掌握自己的遥控器，但我回努力地学习去掌控它。

你呢？

做工回到家，禧说要宵夜的话叫永，可是永载我回来之后就去了…

去找怡吃粥，怡说要宵夜的话叫伊，可是信息了伊完全没有回应…

叫了荣一起，荣说出门时候信息他，可是出了门荣说想先洗个澡…

出门前叫禧，禧全神贯注在打电脑，我没力气等他直接就出了门…

好咯…自己叫了沙爹吃，原本打算叫十支，老板说只剩下六支，可是拿来时十二支。我说没关系，反正要等人，而且Maha正播着Fantastic 4…

从我坐下后直到沙爹来，都没有人来拿我的order。没关系，反正要等人，而且Maha正播着Fantastic 4…

荣信息来说十五分钟到，叫我点多杯茶，这时我才叫两杯。结果沙爹吃完了，水也喝完了一杯，开始喝第二杯时荣才出现…

一小时，前半小时一个人宵夜，后半小时两个人宵夜…

Came back after work, Xi said if going to supper ask Yoong together, but after fetch me back Yoong had already went for supper…

Went to Yee for my “dinner”, Yee said if going for supper ask YY together, but SMS YY and didn’t get any reply…

Asked Old Head together, Old Head said SMS him after go out, but I went out and Old Head said want to bath…

Asked Xi before going out, Xi fully concentrated in “war”, I went out not even wait him…

Well… Took satay myself, I was going to order ten, but boss said only six left, and when the satay came was 12. I said its ok, I had to wait for people, and somemore Maha is showing Fantastic 4…

After i sit down and till satay came, there wasn’t any people come to serve me and take my order. Its ok, I had to wait for people, and somemore Maha is showing Fantastic 4…

Old Head said arrive in 15 minutes, asked me to order one more Teh Ais, and that’s when I order two (including my drink). However, satay finish, and one Teh Ais done, Old Head appeared when I started to drink the second one…

One hour, half an hour a single “supperer”, half an hour later two “supperer”…

放假三个月，昨天才找到工作，在金宝TESCO里的手机相机柜台。

等下（七点半）就要开工了，我既然还没睡！！！哈哈！都不知道发什么神经…

刚才从朋友家回来，一进入门，永和禧就跑过来。永说被自己反锁在房间外面，正在烦恼如何进去…

刚开始想来想去，还是没办法。后来我突然间想到从窗口… 哈哈！我就这样“破门而入”永的房间了！！

废~还是睡觉好点…

With out the short semester from UTAR, i got a three months break, and i got a job yesterday, at the hand phone and camera counter in TESCO Kampar.

0730 later, i’ll be at TESCO for my first day at work, and i’m not sleeping yet!! Ha ha ha! I have no idea what’s been wrong with me…

Just now came back from friend’s house, once i step into my house, Yong and Xi ran to me. Yong said he locked himself outside his room, and was wondering how to get inside…

I’ve been keep thinking a way to go in, but still can’t get a better idea. Suddenly, i tought of windows… Ha ha! That’s the way i “breaking and entering” into Yong’s room!!

Ish! How stupid i am~ Better sleep now or else…

就像伊所说的，教育是个过滤网，知识智慧够广够大才能留下来，否则将会被淘汰。

小学是个过滤网，简单的课程，足以让所有人都逗留下来。有的人努力，最好的成绩握在手里，光彩般的升上中学；有的人不努力，成绩不差也不好，半天吊，模模糊糊的上了中学。

初中是个过滤网，随着学生的思想逐渐成熟，课程也变得复杂许多。有些人是读书的那块料，永远都会在前面；有些人还是很迷糊，只知道自己不想被排挤到最后一班而愣在不上不下的地方；有些人不是读书的料子，觉得上学只是应酬，无心向学，也许从没考虑过更近一层楼。

高中是个过滤网，突其而来的难度，使得很多人都被吓倒。有些人知道自己弱点在那里，弥补后得到好成绩，超越自己；有些人把迷糊的习惯带上来，人家补习我补习，补来干嘛不知道；有些人不知道知识的重要性，自认为不会读书，凭着毕业后打工就行的心态熬过政府设下的最后一层过滤网。

中六是个过滤网，选择上来的人都有相当的准备，会上来的人都是知道读书究竟是怎么回事。有些人熬不过，花了时间得不到成绩，有的以别的方式更上一层楼，有的放弃读书；有些人也以努力换来成绩，好的成绩能够带领他们去到好的环境。

— — —

说到这里，都只是中小学的过滤网。这个过滤网是知识的基础，它由细小的隙缝到宽大的空洞，间接的分辨出不同的阶层。这些阶层分辨出来并不是一切，并非说高层就好低层就烂。分辨阶层的其过程是一个不可或缺的重要管道，让每个人都能够有机会接触到知识。

为什么要读书？读书肯定不是拿来应付考试，读书肯定不是让自己都留在过滤网上。读书是唯一且最好的方式来增进知识。

那为什么要知识？知识是我们对事，对物包括对自己的了解。透过知识，我们能够了解自己，我们能够知道我们知道了多少。

一件事，学生最能体会到的。考试前的读书期，刚开始的时候还不怎么样，以为自己读的就是课程的八九十八仙。怎知道阅读越深入的时候，才了解自己对这课程不了解的太多了。所谓：“当你知道的越多，你不知道的更多。”这是因为，你知道你之前所不知道的事情是什么。

Just like Yi said, education is a filter net, you must have knowledge that is big in size to stay on the net, or else you will be filted away.

Primary school is a filter net, simple course, enough for all the people to stay on it. Some people hard working, holding a result with flying colors and go to secondary school; some people does not hard working as others, moderate result makes them go to secondary school with blurish mind.

Junior high school is a filter net,  with the maturity of the students, courses are getting harder. Some people is meant to be good in study, they will forever stay in front; some people still blur-ing, just knowing that they don’t want to be at the last class and staying in the middle; some people wasn’t good in study, felt that going to school is just a waste of time, never think of self improvements.

High school is a filter net, the sudden difficulty of the subjects had scared some students. Some people know where they weak, and getting great results after fixing their weak points; some people is bringing the blurish together to the high school, going for tuition as their friends do, and have no idea what is that for; some people does not really understand what knowledge is, thinking that they can’t study, holding the attitubde of “get some work after graduate” to pass the last net set by government.

Form six is a filter net, most of the students who pick up form six know what study is, and have adequate preparation. Some people can’t make it, wasted time without getting good result, some take other ways for self improvements, some let go of study; some people had their good results, and led them into a better environment in study.

— — —

Until here, its just the filter net of primary and secondary school. This filter net is a basic way for getting knowledge, it starts with tiny holes to big spaces, indirectly seperate different stages. These stages that is differentiated isn’t everything, it is not that the top is the best and bottom is the worst. The process of differentiating the stages is a very important channel, give everyone the opportunity to contact with knowledge.

Why are we studying? For sure that study is not only for examination, and not only for us to stay on the filter net. Study is the only, the best way to obtain knowledge.

But then why knowledge is important? Knowledge is what we know about everything, even ourselves. Through knowledge, we can know ourselves better, we may know how much does we know.

One thing, students will experience it the most. The study period before examination, it was good in the beginning, thought that what we read is 80-90% of the subjects. But then when we read into it deeper and deeper, we’ll realize that we not even “know” the subject. Like the phrase “The more you know, the more you don’t know.” This is because, you had know what you don’t know before.

今天是二十一岁生日，可说是这三四年来最开心的一次。虽然这次只有三个人陪我庆祝，但却比05年的一大半朋友来的更开心！~

昨天（五号）半夜十一点，老头说很久没出来喝茶了，说要十二点半出来吃。我这个有着”Supper King”头衔的”鸟人”当然是一口答应啦！哈哈！用餐时，玲弟说要早点回，因为累了要睡觉，大家付了钱就回家了。老头载我到家，说要看戏，可是玲弟说要睡觉就回去了。我却没想到这只是大家安排好的…

老头和玲来到我房间，我就随意开了一部戏。戏才播放不久，就有人来敲门。我是很奇怪会是谁，可是万万没想到是玲弟。他借着说要回家休息，但却是去拿蛋糕（写着“鸟人”两个字的蛋糕）。

当时确实是不知所措，后来还无端端的让他们把奶油涂得我满脸！！~

总之，在这里要谢玲，老头和玲弟！~哈哈！

Today is my 21th birthday, its been a happiest birthday since recent years. Although this time there are only three persons celebrating my birthday, but it is happier than 2005 (18th birthday) which is celebrating with a group a friends!~

Yesterday (5th) 11pm, “Old Head” said its been a long time we didn’t come out have supper, asked me out at 0030. As i am carrying the title of “Supper King”, surely that i will accept the invitation! When we are having the meal, Seng said he want to go back earlier, because of tired of working in day time, and everyone filled the bill and went back. Old Head fetch me back, and their said would like to watch movie. Send went back because of tired (he said tired). But i wasn’t aware of that was planned…

Old Head and Ling came to my room, i simply play a movie. It was just the starting of the movie, and someone knock the door. I was wondering who would it be, but never expecting Seng, with the birhtday cake in hand and wish me happy birthday!~

I really blank out my mind right at the time, and for no reason I agree for them to paste the cream onto my face!!~

At last, I would like to thanks Ling, Old Head and Send! Hahaha!!

2008年8月23日

今天UTAR有个华乐的中秋聚会，Sungai Long的华乐团有下来参与… 而雯也是其中一个。看到她、和她聊天，我又看到从前的自己、本性又露出来了…

先说华乐的表演。虽然不是很完美，有些部分不齐、有些少许的走音，但大致上都很厉害！那么多人塞在一个小台上，看了都紧逼的地方，还可以玩出这么好的音乐，厉害噢~

金宝队的表演就完整，编曲方面过得去，但就缺乏低音的部分。声音较大的如扬琴、琵琶、笛子等，声音就盖过较小的（没有麦克风的补助）。声音较小的就有二胡，我们是必须用心去听才听得到那种。

Sungai Long队的就太多乐器。鼓的声音太大声，二胡就完全听不到（雯的演奏）。还有，他们还玩敲打乐，Experimental… 就是以各种日常用品敲打出来的声音，合起来演奏。他们用的有，铁杯、饼干桶、洗衣板、钥匙等。是很有创意，但编曲方面就有点走样。他们是混合敲打乐和华乐来演奏，但敲打乐的声音太大声，真的听不到乐器的声音！！

表演结束后，就到处和别人聊天，拍拍照。拍了一张长久以来都没拍过的，和雯的合照！哈哈！五年来的朋友，一张合照都没有，更何况是“重要人物”噢！哈哈哈！除了自己和她合照，我也注意到一个较积极的男生，和她拍照聊天的。

写到这里，我也不知道自己在写什么了…算了！故事，跳…

和雯接触后，我又在钻牛角尖了… 想些不必要的事情。

这几天发现到自己对Von的感觉被冷掉了，今天就给了自己一个借口。“也许强迫假装，久了就会成真的了”。给自己的借口就是，我是否扮演好朋友的角色过于就了呢？

也许从一开始，我就不该喜欢上她，应该由始自终都强迫自己是她的好朋友。这样，也许大家都会很好过；我不必烦，她不必为难（也许根本没有）。

不喜欢也喜欢上了，说什么都没用。只是，是否继续强迫自己，成为真正的“好朋友”呢？我拿不定这个决定，因为我又再次不了解自己所要的了…

我知道，从一开始Von就只当我是朋友，连个情侣的考虑也没有，至今依然是。在她的小说里，汉汉这个角色出来的不是时候…

23 August 2008

UTAR is having a gathering for Chinese Orchestra today at Heritage Hall, and CO of Sungai Long Campus is coming down to join the gathering… Wen is one of them in the Sungai Long CO team. When I saw her, talking to her, I felt that I had seen my past, my bad attitude is revealing again…

First let me talk about the CO performance. Although it is not a perfect performance, some parts ran beat; some parts wrong playing, but overall is excellent! So many people on a stage that is so small, but still can play such nice music, marvelous~

For Sungai Long team, they were having too many instruments. Drum is too loud, Er Hu is totally can’t hear (which played by Wen). They also played percussion, Experimental Music, which is play by making sounds from daily tools, and combine as a performance. They used steel cup, steel biscuits bucket, washboard, keys and more. Its very creative, about it’s a bit bad in arrangement. They combine Chinese Orchestra and the percussion, but the drum playing too loud, can’t hear sounds from other instruments.

After the performance, I went to talk to others, talking photo with them. I’ve got a photo that didn’t take for so long, couple photo snap with Wen! Haha! Its been five years since we are friends, but not even one shot has taken, especially she is and “VIP” to me! Beside me, I found that there’s another guy who keep taking photos with her, talking to her.

After all I wrote until here, I’ve no idea what I wrote and what to wrote… Whatever! Story jumped….

After contact with Wen, I keep thinking of useless things, again….

These days I found that the feeling me to Von has been cooled down, and today I gave myself an excuse for it. “Maybe pretending so much, and it will become a fact”. For the excuse I gave, am I pretending for being too much as a good friend??

Maybe start from the beginning, I shouldn’t fall in love with her, or should I say I should make my mind as a good friend to her. Maybe if I did it, it would be a better way for everyone; I don’t have to trouble myself so much, she don’t have to embarrassed (maybe she didn’t at all).

But what done is done, it’s also useless to say it anymore. The thing is, should I keep make my mind, and to become a “real good friend” to her? I can’t make a decision on these choices, because again I lost direction in my own again…

I know that since the beginning, Von has been treated me as a friend, not a thinking for being couple, even till now. In the novel of her life, the character Han Han show himself at the wrong time…

刺猬是一种全身长刺的动物。当它想贴近别人，给于别人温暖的时候，对方受到的只有痛苦。
当一个人存在这种状况的时候，应该怎么做？

刚才的宵夜，老头说错了一句话，Von就不开心了。其实我也猜到是为什么的，结果搞到我必须吃多一块鸡肉（虽然是禧吃掉了）。

她说她不要我对她好；
她说只要我为哥就好。
她说她不想再烦感情；
她说不削说到就做到！

看来这段情，我又只有当白痴的份了；我又只能傻傻没有回报的付出。虽然我不在乎付出所有，但内心的痛，就会因她一句盘旋在我脑海中的话而翻云覆雨！

“我不想你对我这么好你明白吗？”“我不削啊！不吃就不吃！说到就做到！”

我就好像刺猬一般，到底该怎么办？虽然我明白Von她是不会这么容易就忘得了过去，但我真的一点机会都没有吗？我又必须做傻子吗？茫茫的道路中，非她不可吗？我不明白…我不懂…我迷路了…

Hedgehog is an animal that has spike on its back. When this animal wants to get closer to other, it will only hurt others with its own spikes.
If a person is in this kind of situation, what should he do?

At supper time just now, "Old Head" said of something wrong, and made Von unhappy. I know why is that happned, and that caused me have to eat one more chiken breast (althou its Xi took the breast)…

She said she don’t want I being so good to her;
She said she just wanted me to be her brother.
She said she don’t want to trouble herself with relationship problem;
She said she don’t like it and do whatever said!

Looks like I can only be an idiot once more; I can only give out whatever that does not give anything in return… Although I do not care about if there is anything in return, but the pain, will just keep coming even with her single sentance spinning in my mind…

"I don’t want you to be so good to me, do you understand?" "I don’t like it! That’s the reason does not eat! Whatever said will be done!"

I’m like the hudegehog, what should I do? I know that Von won’t forget about the past that easily, but am I not even given a chance? Am I have to be idiot again? I’ve still a long way to go, must it be her?  I don’t understand… Because I’m lost again…

2008年8月16日

我家的网络连线终于回来了！哈哈！好久没有这么随心所欲的上网了！很久都没有来这里了… 前些没有网络连线的日子，很想更新部落格，但都没写到；只留了一篇在我的闪存里面！！今天终于然我等到了！！哈哈！

16 August 2008

Finally the Internet connection is back!! Haha!! Its been so long since I can go wherever i want in the Internet!! I’ve such a long time  didn’t come to my Friendster Blog already… The time when Internet isn’t available to my house, I got so many things wanted to update for my blog, but I had just save one post of blog in my pendrive!! I’ve finally waited so long for today!! Haha!!

2008年8月9日

当我办不到我所要做的事情，我心情不好。
当我要做的事情是我无能为力的，我心情不好。
当我看到她心情不好的时候，我心情不好。
当我说话她没有回应的时候，我心情不好。

为什么我能做的事情只有这么小？
为什么我什么都无法办到来让她开心？
为什么看到她我就说不出话？
为什么她在场，我的笑话就大幅度的减低？

我很想问她，“你们之间如今是什么状况？”
我问得下吗？她会回答吗？她肯告诉我吗？

昨天晚上看到她按着信息，表情也露出一丝丝的悲伤。虽然不时很明显，但我感受得到，因为她心痛得抓着我的手。我不知道这时候该做些什么；是该拍拍她的手来安慰她，还是什么呢？我并不知道。我只是静静的让我手臂感受她手掌所传来的压力。看到她的神情，我心痛早已超乎了手臂的疼。

“很多时候，当我们自己觉得做得很多的当儿，往往是什么都没做到的。自己做过什么，自己最清楚，但别人却不一定会看的见。”我时常这么提醒自己。要别人看到，就得不断的付出；要达到目的，就该付出大过或同等的牺牲。是有在想，她是否感觉不到我的付出呢？还是她根本就不想去感觉到？

她对我说，她不想要我对她这么好。我知道！因为我对她好，到头来吃亏的是我自己，所有的付出将会是无谓的。我自己也明白，她这一段感情并不是这么容易就松得了手。

最后想问自己一句，“为什么你这么笨？每次都把自己牵连进这种状况？”…我很想给自己一个答案，给一个“感觉”以外的答案。我能吗？

9 August 2008

I’m not happy, cause I can’t do what I want to do…
I’m not happy, cause things I want to do isn’t things that I am willing to do…
I’m not happy, cause I saw her unhappy…
I’m not happy, cause there’s no response when I am talking to her…

Why am I can only do such minor things?
Why am I can’t make her happy?
Why am I can’t talk more when she is around?
Why am I have so little joke when she is in front of me?

I want to ask her, ‘How’s it going between you and him?’
Will I brave enough to ask this? Will she answer me? Will she tell me about it?

It was the last night, I saw her typing SMS, with a sadness showing on her face. Although it wasn’t so clearly expressed, but I can feel it, because she is grapping my arm. I don’t know what should I do that time; should I tap her hand to calm her down, or else? I don’t know. I was just silently let my arm feel the pressure coming from her palm. By looking her painful face, the pain in my heart had already exceeded the pressure on my arm.

"There are many times where we felt that we had already do so much, but it wasn’t in reality. We are always clear to that what we had done, but people might not be seeing it." I always tell myself in this way. If we want people to know it, we need to continuously give out; if we want to reach our objectvie, we should give out bigger, or equal price for it. I had been thinking, is that she didn’t feel what I’ve give out? Or is that she does not want to feel it at all? (What am I talking? Blur)

She said, she don’t want me to be so good to her. I know! Cuase if I am too good to her, I’ll be the one who didn’t gain anything in the end. I do understand too, that the relationship between he and she can’t be so easy to let go.

Lastly, I would like to ask myself this question, "Why are you so stupid?! Always make youself into these situatian?!"… I want to give myself an answer, gice a "Non-Feeling" answer. Can I?

上星期六十九号原本计划想理个发，但是不知怎么搞的没理到…

上星期日二十号原本计划想下怡保看《赤壁》，但又因为手头上有点紧，去不成…

最近在想着把之前开不成功的Blogger部落格重整起来，但却想不到一个好的名字给它…

19 July, last Saturday, I was planning to go for a hair cut, but don’t know what’s the reason I didn’t go for it…

20 July, last Sunday, I was planning to go to Ipoh to watch the movie ‘Red Cliff’, but because of my pocket these days is a bit tied, can’t go…

Recently also planning for the reformation for the Blogger blog, but I can’t think of a better name to fit the blog…